There was a tap on the door. Gail’s heart missed several beats as she woke up.
“Hello, my pussy cat!” Rosie turned the lock with her elbow and walked into Gail’s room carrying two plates in her hands.
“Hello Rosie.” Gail checked her wristwatch and the time was 12.30 PM. “I can’t believe how far the day had gone.”
“You know what they say. Don’t you?” Rosie gently moved the Joy magazine and other books from the table and placed the bowls she was carrying. “Time flies when you’re having fun.”
“I wished I was.” Gail carefully took off the lid of the brown bowl containing boiled cod and steamed vegetables.
“Oh you need these first.” Rosie handed the plastic cup containing the morning doses of her medication to her. She had thought that those were her afternoon medicine but having been a nurse for many years she realised that it was not yet time to serve the afternoon medicine. And then in a soft and motherly yet professional manner she asked, “You want to talk?”
Gail smiled. “There’s nothing to talk about. Thanks.”
Rosie raised one eyebrow and looked straight into Gail’s eyes seeing far beyond the smiles and probing into that part of her heart where so much hurts and disappointment resided. She knew that those smiles were not smiles at all. They were fear, torture, anguish and disappointment.
“You know I’ve got a listening ear and thank God my shoulders have not crumbled with arthritis.” Rosie jammed the door and sat close to her.
“I’m fine.”
“Not with all these.” Rosie insisted, pointing at the plastic cup containing the tablets.
“I just forgot and dosed off.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Really.” She looked down and when she raised her head she didn’t have to say anything. Rosie knew that she was only trying to be brave. She offered her a piece of soft tissue.
“Listen to me Gail. I know you don’t want to talk about it. But if there’s anything I can do for you do let me know.”
Gail nodded like a toddler.
Rosie filled her jug with sterilised chilled water and as she cleared the rest of the stuff on the table she found the menu card that Gail had scribbled on. She picked it thinking that she had filled in what she was having for supper. And when she turned it she could not resist reading what she had scribbled on it.
“Oh Gail!” She placed her arm gently over her shoulder.
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“Since when have you known about it?”
“Doctors told me yesterday although I had kind of suspected things might go that way. Only I was hoping that … Oh God!” She sobbed and was visibly shaking.
Rosie held her like a child and wiped her tears. When she looked at the other side of the table she found the plates on the floor containing her breakfast. The toast and scrambled eggs with baked beans had not been touched and Rosie sensed that she had not eaten since morning.
“I want you to listen carefully,” she said, carefully choosing her words. “When bad things happen to us the first thing we do is to take the easy options. Those easy options are not many. They are only two. Just two.”
Gail looked at her expectantly, her eyes swollen and red. She scratched her head as she allowed herself to lean on her.
“The first thing we do is to blame someone and the second is to blame yourself. It’s very easy because it makes us feel good. We blame ourselves for things that we have done that we shouldn’t have done or those that we should have done but haven’t done. Regrets here and there.”
Gail nodded. She could identify with that. She had expressed regrets on a number of occasions for not having her operation at the military hospital. She knew of several colleagues who had had keyhole operations at their base. Everything had been uneventful.
“You see, no matter how much you blame yourself or someone else it won’t change things. You probably knew that already. You’ve been here now for …”
“Three months.” Gail added.
“That’s right. You can’t keep blaming yourself or people and denying yourself of nutrition and medication. Things can only get worse by so doing.”
“But where’s the hope? Rosie, my life is fading away. There’s nothing left.”
“Don’t be silly. You’ve got a lot of life ahead of you and you deserve to have it. But you’ve got to be strong. I know that you will find a donor. Just be patient.”
Gail blew her nose and smiled. And suddenly she could sense her strength coming back.
“Now.” Rosie offered her the plastic cup containing her tablets and filled a glass with water.
“Thanks.” Gail gobbled down her tablets.
“That’s is it. That’s what you must do. Don’t give up my girl. You’ve got to fight.”